i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
