If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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