see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
