I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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