please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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