yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
