Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
