I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
