i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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