This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
