My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
