She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
