You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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