My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
