My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
