im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
