i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
