He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
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Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
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Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize