If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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