i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
