U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
