Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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