I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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