I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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