I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
