Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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