Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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