My room smells like vodka and shame
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the day after is always just damage control
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
