Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
