Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
