he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
