I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
