i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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