First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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