Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
