and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
