We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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