Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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