i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
