My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
where are you?
Hypothermia
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
