it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
