the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
