did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i now understand why vodka
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
