she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You were trust falling into bushes
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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