I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
