I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
40s are totally the cure
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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