I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
