We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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