you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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