And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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