Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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