i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize