Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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