We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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