Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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