She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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