I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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