girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
