I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
